Life lessons from The Crown

Episode 9 and I was just about ready to dismiss season 2 of the crown as dry and boring. Having no particular interest in Prince Philip, I was especially disinterested in this episode – I even thought that it was very random to do a whole episode about where Charles went to school – I mean, who cares? I watched it for the sake of watching it anyway. Never thought I will be able to pick up a good parenting tip from this show.

I’m not a good story reteller so I suggest you watch it yourself. I found the episode weirdly relatable and disturbing at the same time – enough for me to blog about it anyway. So in this episode, Philip – who was shown to have quite a traumatic childhood on top of being forced into this particularly good school (and struggling through it successfully) – is now, in turn, forcing his son Charles to attend the same school. Placing a huge deal of expectation, he becomes disappointed when Charles end up not meeting his expectations and so he basically drags his son through five more years in that school.

As a child, heavy expectations were placed on me as well – some of them I had met, some I hadn’t. In the end, I didn’t think I turned out too bad. My childhood was far from turbulent and traumatic but I know that when I have a kid I will be placing very high standards on them too. If anything, I would even prefer for them to be educated in good Philippine universities as well. The way teens are babied through uni here in Au (and even having an actual choice if they wanted to go to uni or not) is just so unacceptably un-Asian! I was prepared to be the bad cop, unfun, grade-conscious mum – in the name of my kid’s own good…

Then I watched this episode.

And I realise the obvious – that placing heavy expectations whilst withholding emotional support from your child is basically setting them up for growing up exactly the way you did, the way I did. Now, I didn’t exactly end up callous, conceited nor broken. I guess being close to my three brothers helped even out the lack. And, really, it could easily have gone the other way. I could have ended up a gritless, lazy, motivation-less person. Thank God I didn’t. So maybe risking the 50-50 chance my kid will be scarred for life is enough for me to consider nicer ways to impose my standards.

Ugh! This business of raising up another human being is proving to be tedious already – and it hasn’t even started yet! Anyway, it’s safe to say that after watching this episode, I will be trying my best to support my future kids emotionally through the inexplicably high standards that will (still) be placed on them. And if still end up being the stern, cold, unfun mum that I will (by default) be (ENTJ alert!), at least I know now to recognise that there are (and should be) better ways. And maybe I’ll go from there. *insert oh well emoji here*

 

Last Weekend of Melbourne Winter

Sydney Color Run

Filo Color Run in Sydney.
It can’t be more fun than this.
😉

Begin Again

 

That defining moment in Brimbank Park where it all began again. ❤

And yes, she named her new album after my favorite color! 😉

The Egotistic Thomasian in Me

Disclaimer: Modesty aside. Sorry I had to make this a bit about myself. It’s just that the feeling is so vivid whilst surreal at the same time. And this is the first time I will be openly talking about this. Bear with me. 😛

Tonight the Philippine Nursing Licensure Exam released the results for the June 2012 Exam. Just like that I dropped everything that I’m doing to Google the results. “UST grad tops June 2012 nursing board”. It was one of those times when I wasn’t really surprised but my school spirit rockets up like beyond sky high.

I remember those crucial times of board exam review wherein we were like babies spoon-fed of all possible theory and concepts that they can possibly bombard us with. I remember feeling so proud that I only have to pay 3500php++ (about $79) for a year’s worth of review when everyone else pays more than that for just a day or two of final coaching. To think that we literally have the best possible pillars of nursing education that a reviewee can possibly have. We were like spoiled babies nurtured ever so carefully by first time moms and dads.

June 2008 if I may say so was one of the most successful years of UST College of Nursing – Board Exam wise – not just because I belong to that batch but because of the simple fact that 29 of us got into the Top 10 examinees and we Aira managed to snatch the No.1 spot. It was blood, sweat and tears paid off. It was a year’s worth of 6-to-7-days-a-week-at-school-no-sembreak-let-me-die-now moments paid off.

Everything is just so surreal. And honestly, If I’m in a situation wherein I am obliged to think of a happy thought, that July 24 evening would instantaneously pop into my mind. I remember receiving a couple of PMs saying that the results would be out that night and I remember feeling like I had to poo every 10 minutes because of the tension. I had to ask Arvin to come with me to the “tindahan” to buy a white ChocoMucho (my then comfort food). I remember him being surprised that I bought two for myself and one for him when I usually buy just one for myself. I remember the butterflies in my stomach as I search for my name among the list and crying while calling everyone telling them that I passed.

The stalker in me naturally looked up Roxanne Trinity Lim, this year’s topnotcher. She was very pretty, really. No, not by biased judgment. Fact is, she really is pretty. I was amazed that she didn’t seem like the nerdy type who sacrificed social life for studies. I always think a well-rounded person with all the social life and extra-curriculars deserve more praise in such achievements. Nerds shouldn’t be denied of the praise credit either. After all, academics, it’s their actual life.

I remember receiving a text saying that I was top 10 and trying to scroll down the list telling my mom that I am just curious who among my batchmates made it to the top 10. It was the first time I cried of genuine happiness. My name in all caps inside a long box down the bottom of the list. I made it. Law of attraction and constant fervent prayers worked. I am 10th among 27,765 or 43.07% of the 64,459 who took the exams. Not bad at all. And why am now so suddenly all egotistic about this? Simply because it’s one of those times when I don’t think I deserve what I am getting. I was never in the dean’s list and I obviously wasn’t Cum Laude. I never finished Saunders and academics was simply not my thing. But with constant unwavering faith in myself and in Big Bro, there it was. I’m now google-able even after more than 6 years. haha! Plus, 5 of us in class made it to the top. I can never be more proud of Section 8.

It was also the first time I’ve felt my family explode with pride. Arvin’s blog being actually cheesier than my blog would attest to that.

And my post-boards soundtrack:

I see it everyday
We settle for safe
And lose ourselves along the way

But if you don’t dream big what’s the use in dreaming
If you don’t have faith there’s nothing worth believing
It takes one hope to make the stars worth reaching for
So reach out for something more

–Emily Shakelton, Dream Big

I will always be proud to be a Thomasian. Congrats to batch 2012 and this is a great jumpstart to you careers.

You remember our tagline in one nursing week?

“Admitted to fit in, discharged to stand out.“

In its truest sense, wherever you go whichever path you choose, this is but the springboard. You have no choice but to jump high. Really, you have no choice.

;

Nurses and LDRs

Contrary to the popular belief that LDRs are for those established, long standing relationships, recent breakups of my friends on long-term relationships got me thinking…

I think the current fragility of a relationship is what really needs to be considered. Take a vase. Say you need to travel it 1000kms. A vase with previous cracks and dents would be less likely to survive the trip in one piece compared with a perfectly pristine perfect intact new vase.

Preexisting conditions and co-morbidities determine the prognosis of a patient. A healthy person struck by Pneumonia can easily recuperate compared with a Cancer patient with Diabetes and Chronic Renal Failure who caught that same Pneumonia.

We cannot set aside the fact that a good solid foundation is really a plus but what if your foundation has been rotting with molds and mites [without you being aware of]? Wouldn’t it defeat the purpose of having that supposedly good foundation in the first place? Wouldn’t it be better to build a solid foundation along the way where the setup is crystal clear for both parties? Wouldn’t it be easier when you synchronized goal is set atop for both of you to look forward to?

I’m just saying. I’m not rationalizing or what. There is such a state where you are perfectly happy that you wouldn’t need to prove your happiness or let alone care about what skeptical people would think of your happiness. I’m in that state. It’s just that being a nurse, I am amongst people who are generally emotionally stable [which entails long-term relationships] and who inevitably venture out in search of greener pastures. LDR, for our ever mobile profession, seems inevitable. I would like to view nurses as people with that innate desire for professional growth and that being said, the thought that there is a chance of growth just waiting out there just automatically makes us go for it.

I therefore conclude: The chances of a relationship surviving the Long Distance phase is not in it’s length, not even in the intensity of Love one feels for the other and not in the proximity and in timezone differences either. It’s in the “intactness”, integrity, maturity and trust of both parties.

And well yeah, the ability of them to make things fun across the miles, too! 😉

A cup of milk and a 20-page complaint

Jul 14, ’09 4:15 PM

 

Who would have thought that Annex 2-4th will eventually have its own sweet way of following me to my unit.

I came home anticipating a good “day’s” sleep then after barely reaching REM stage of my sleep, I receive a call from our ANUM asking me to go back to the hospital due to a complaint made by a patient who’s not even my patient.

Anyway, I had no choice but be a lowly probee who does nothing but follow orders.

That day…I lost respect with my profession. I lost my sense of dignity that this is indeed a health care profession. I felt no higher than the yaya who asked milk from the station and was so utterly stupid to remember only my name. I felt some overwhelming sense of self-pity that  the hospital didn’t even come to our rescue. I felt unsecured that even a strong spirited 2 and a half-year nurse can be shot point blank in the face like that. I felt scared that a nurse can be stripped off of all his sense of self worth anytime, anywhere by anyone.

It all boils down to money and a great deal of self absorption. I cannot imagine anyone bored enough to HAND WRITE a 20-page complaint fully packed with every strong negative emotion you can think of. And I cannot imagine any “sick” individual being able to write such complaint at 1:00 in the morning considering that she is “sick”. If you will not be able to drink a damn cup of milk in the middle of the night, for God’s sake, just let it go. You can always swim in a tub of milk and even drown in it in the morning as you please. You can never imagine the labor and hardship a nurse has to endure just to get through one shift.

What makes this whole situation even sadder is the fact that the damn patient is a doctor. Period.  Again, so much feeling of self worth, so much money and a great deal of self absorption are not too good a combination. During the whole confrontation thing, what made me want to cry is not the fact that this VP is shouting her lungs out at a senior nurse nor the fact that a bunch of people in high position is gathered in one ridiculously cold conference room. What made me want to cry is the realization of the fact that doctors and nurses can NEVER be colleagues. Your buddy-buddy interaction with a doctor will most probably stop after his 1st yr of residency. (or 2nd if you’re lucky enough) Soon enough all this glamour and glory gets up to his head and there will come a point where he will think of himself as a god.

I came to a sad and disappointing realization that doctors are not that much different from our politicians. Well they may be able to cure a person but they will sure as hell squeeze out all the money they will be able to squeeze out from you. Yes, they do want to fill their tubs with money and drown in it every night. Why am I saying this? Turns out that the doctor who called herself a “victim” for some unknown reason, didn’t want to pay her bills. I mean, hello?! Why admit yourself in the Ambassador Suite when you wouldn’t want to pay 25 grand a day?! That’s why your looking for something to free yourself of your bills… It’s sad that you have no other choice but the milk thing. Poor you.

It’s quite depressing. Because like Philippine Politics, Global Warming and the existence of social classes, events like this… is inevitable. It’s unavoidable. I don’t want to generalize but it’s just the way it is. It’s as if no one can ever have a chance of changing it to how it should be. There is no hope. Rich Powerful people will always bitch the hell out of everything. Money will always get to their heads and ROT their hearts out.

*No offense meant to Residents-at-the-moment and future doctors. Just think of this as an inspiration to be DIFFERENT. When the day comes, don’t let your head blow up too much. It takes courage to be different. We’re supposed to be a team.*

Somewhere only we know…

Aug 17, ’09 10:34 PM

“Oh simple thing, where have you gone…
I’m getting old and I need something to rely on”

I’m at the point where I can’t even think of how complicated tomorrow will be because I’m too busy figuring  how to work out the complexities of today.

I miss school. I miss the simplicity of life.

Having been recently reunited with my safety blankets made me realize that If there’s one phase of my life I could go back to, that would really be high school. It’s the time of my life where I had all the time. All the time to be friends with anyone you wish to be friends with, do the things you love like playing volleyball or directing some speech choir or even fall in love over and over.. and well, just be plain HAPPY.

I had a conversation with Reymer last night and what he said made me think. “Parang dati assignment lang sa Religion pinoproblema natin.” He’s right. Back then, all we have to think of are our projects, quizzes and meetings. Now we are actually obliged to have long term plans. As in the real life type of plans. And having thought of what my friend is going through right now, I can’t help but be afraid. I realized that one should always have a Plan B. A plan where the plans includes only you. Not that I’m having relationship problems right now. Albert and I are ok. I just came to a sad realization that the rest is still unwritten. Really. You may go on for four years or more building your future plans and dreams around person who can dissapear in a matter of days. Nothing is permanent except that f*cking change. And it really does suck. And, yes, I’m ranting about it right now.

Maybe it’s because of this sudden instability. Just when I thought everything is OK and we just have to wait 2 long agonizing years in this measly institution… turns out nothing’s mapped out yet.

Next to physiologic needs are safety and security concerns…. and right now, I can’t even reach that stage. I can’t believe I would actually want to go to duty to escape free time. Coz times like this one I’m using right now allows sad of memories and fears of tomorrow flash over and over again.

Maybe I foresaw this. Before leaving school, I was so terrified of going out to the real world. Maybe it wasn’t fear of the unknown. Maybe it was anticipation of the given complication I knew I would inevitably have to face.

I want to swim. Or play volleyball. Or go somewhere… Just to unwind. Release some of this stress if not all. Clear my head for a while (which is ironic coz I want to go to work for purposes of escaping too…) Maybe I’m just confused. And maybe the number of times I used “maybe” in this blog is a mere evidence of how sad and confused I am right now.

All I know is that I miss the simple life… So bad. So bad that it makes me all the more sad thinking that I could never have it back.

“Breathe in, Breathe out
Everybody bleeds this way, Just the same…”

And 4 deaths in 2 weeks with 2 additional deteriorating DNRs does not help… at all…

The Best of Both Worlds…?

Mar 24, ’09 8:50 PM

 

No this is not about that song. I’m not a Hannah Montana fan, although yes, I
occasionally watch the show on Disney Channel.

Both worlds. Yes, we live in one planet literally but life’s situation of one social
class from another is but worlds apart.

Are you familiar with that song of Bamboo entitled “Tatsulok“? No, it’s not just a song
for headbanging and partying. It’s Bamboo trying to wake people up on what is really
happening in our society today. It’s the writer trying to shout how today’s social strata
has affected each and everyone’s life in every way possible.

How ironic is it to watch Slumdog Millionaire and be assigned in St.Luke’s VIP unit a
week after. You get to see the poorest of the poor in one of the most crowded country in
the world and then you get to be with the some of the richest people in the country.
Richest “sick” people that is. Having my first day of exposure in the VIP unit last night
had me comparing my previous experience with the patients in DLU. And guess what… Yes there is a difference. Rich people are DEFINITELY more demanding. No, they’re not all that snobbish, cranky and shouty type (But this is true for some). Some of them are nice, though. Nice meaning they’ll give you chocolates and any edible stuff at that matter, but they’re definitely demanding. Since they are paying around 12-23k for the room per day, they have the guts to “occupy” you with small non-nursing stuff like a sprite in can… or that a diet sprite in can…or a coke light “nalang pala.”

Should I call this the “Best” of Both Worlds? I think “Worst” would be more appropriate.
One afternoon after coming from St.Luke’s, I sat in a jeepney under an overpass. Suddenly a truck of MMDA with people in mmda shirt came running after vendors of candies, crackers cigarettes, quail eggs and more. Everyone was just shouting and running around. This was not the first time I saw this kind of scenario. But this is the first time it actually bothered and made me think. (I blame it to the idleness of the moment.) And where the salvaged products go anyway?

Sadly, I am a witness.

I’ve been a witness on how these mmda people ruthlessly salvage what’s left of the
so-called livelihood that these people had. I saw how they would grab even the worn out
not-even-functional umbrellas and self-made cartons these vendors had. And the fact that these vendors, helpless as they are, can’t do anything but flee with whatever they can save is what makes the scene just so… sad? (I don’t really know how to call the
feeling.)

I’ve been a witness on how money can be utterly insignificant to some. Yes, it’s true.
For some people, money is just a piece of paper they can but respect with. I have met
people who think they are giving themselves the best health care possible by checking in at the VIP unit when in reality they are still having the same doctors treating the SSS
and charity patients. They think they just want the best for themselves when in reality
they are just hungry for status. All they really want is to segregate themselves from the rest so they can rightfully place themselves on top of the social triangle. They knew “common” people would be in other units and they don’t want to meddle with someone not in their social class so they make it a point to be on top. (Literally. Coz that unit is at the top floor ) This is the case for some confined TV personalities who wanted to be admitted at the VIP at first but was transferred to other units because their condition calls for a special unit.

I don’t want to generalize all patient’s in that unit or all rich people for that matter
but let’s face it, The bad outnumbers and “outpowers” the kind ones. And that’s the part that sucks.

Will society ever stop being this disturbingly unfair?
Why can’t everyone just be in middle class?
Why can’t the concept of social classes just “un-exist”?
Why can’t it be just a rectangle rather than a triangle?
Why can’t the authority just run after swindlers and “real” criminals comfortably having their executive check-up at the VIP unit? or all those big-scale criminals for that matter? They’re the ones destroying our pitiful country. their the ones who should be savagely ripped off of whatever they have stolen from God-knows-who. Why can’t the freakishly filthy rich just be freakishly filthy??

What’s more disturbing is that I’m ranting as if I’m actually doing something about this
issue when in reality, I’m after the comfortable life too. (Well, at least not after the
society-corrupting comfortable life! )

 

“ang hustisya ay para lang sa mayaman”

Kahlil Gibran on Marriage

I was reminded.

 

On Marriage
 Kahlil Gibran

 

You were born together, and together you shall be forevermore.
You shall be together when the white wings of death scatter your days.
Ay, you shall be together even in the silent memory of God.
But let there be spaces in your togetherness,
And let the winds of the heavens dance between you.

Love one another, but make not a bond of love:
Let it rather be a moving sea between the shores of your souls.
Fill each other’s cup but drink not from one cup.
Give one another of your bread but eat not from the same loaf
Sing and dance together and be joyous, but let each one of you be alone,
Even as the strings of a lute are alone though they quiver with the same music.

Give your hearts, but not into each other’s keeping.
For only the hand of Life can contain your hearts.
And stand together yet not too near together:
For the pillars of the temple stand apart,
And the oak tree and the cypress grow not in each other’s shadow.